Bizarre American Food That Every Russian Should NEVER Try
Hey, Russia! Are you ready for some Jell-O salad? Of course not.
23 hours ago
I
was chatting with one of my Russian friends the other day — because,
like Victoria Nuland, some of my best friends are Russian. During our
conversation he referred me to this Buzzfeed video
of Americans trying bizarre Russian foods. I, in turn, introduced him
to the concept of a Jell-O salad. I feel we achieved some important
progress in diplomatic relations.
I was
pretty impressed with Buzzfeed presenting this in a somewhat neutral
format, since it seems their mission in life is to hate Russia all day,
every day. In the same spirit of mutual cultural understanding, I have
compiled a list of American foods at which I feel Russians might look
askance.
Russia: I present to you, as a peace offering, bizarre American foods…
Kraft Singles and Velveeta
I
don’t know what kind of cheese Putler allows in your gulag, but up
until I was about 20, I thought cheese was orange and came in two forms:
pre-sliced and individually wrapped in plastic or in a large brick
shape that had the consistency of something between a sponge cake and oobleck. See Figs. A-B
Fig. A: “Cheese”
Fig. B: “Heart Attack”
I can’t believe it’s not food!
I’m
not sure what either of these things is actually made of, but I’m
pretty certain it is not in fact cheese in the traditional sense of the
word. In fact, the label says it is “cheese product,” indicating its
non-cheese status to the consumer.
Note: The same “cheese product” composition has been placed in an aerosol can and marketed to the public as “Cheez-Whiz.”
Lunchables
Chances
are if someone was a child at some point in the 1990s in America, his
or her parents lovingly purchased Lunchables. Lunchables came in a
little box instead of a brown paper bag and we assembled them ourselves,
so we felt cool bringing them to school because we had no idea that
they were actually made of Soylent Green.
This photograph will bring back repressed childhood memories if you’re American…
Now,
the main problem with Lunchables was a question of ratios. You got a
tiny little package of mustard that you couldn’t open, a few stale Ritz
crackers, a slightly larger ration of cheese product slices, and an
enormous stack of meat of questionable origin. Hungry children were left
without enough provisions to actually make neat little
cracker-cheese-meat piles. Pair that with an impossible to open Capri
Sun, and it was all very Dickensian.
Sweet Potato and Marshmallow Casserole
This is what came out of that guy’s stomach in the film ‘Alien’
People, this is not food.
I
am from the Midwest, and most recipes that hail from that region start
with a quart of mayonnaise. However, I must say my people really outdid
themselves when they invented the sweet potato/yam and marshmallow
casserole. This unholy mess usually makes an appearance at picnics and
holiday gatherings. It is to be avoided at all costs. Elderly women will
encourage you to eat this. They will tell you it’s delicious. Do not
trust them. They lie.
Tuna and Potato Chip Casserole
If
you’re from the Midwest, you will know that this is what you bring to
someone’s house when someone in their family passes away. Americans
actually consider this to be a gesture of goodwill and neighborliness.
Should you ever have the misfortune to experience the death of a loved
one and also be gifted with one of these, politely accept and feed it to
your least-liked but still alive relative. The casserole in question is
a mixture of a can of some type of creamed soup, potato chips, cheese
product, and probably sour cream. In addition to a funerary offering, it
can also be used to caulk pipes and repair leaky tires.
Note: Americans also use potato chips and cereal as a coating for chicken or pork. Bring some to your next NATO potluck!
Shake N Bake
‘Original’ chicken. Meditate on that phrase.
If
you grew up in a household where your parents both worked and didn’t
have time to make potato-chip or cereal-encrusted chicken, they could
always rely on Shake N Bake. Shake N Bake was basically salt added to
bread crumbs, to which was added more salt. Busy parents could use this
to coat any pound of theretofore frozen processed protein products. Also
it came in BBQ flavor. ‘Muricka!
Rocky Mountain Oysters
Do
not be fooled by the name. As the Rocky Mountains are landlocked and do
not sustain any bodies of water that could sustain shellfish, these are
not oysters.
Gentle readers, they are
bull testicles. Given Americans’ penchant for deep-frying anything they
can get their hands on, they are generally served breaded and dipped.
High in protein?
I
am not casting aspersions on Rocky Mountain Oysters, since I’ve never
tried them. I’m just saying they’re fried bull testicles.
Jell-O Salad
Kill it with fire
This is a Jell-O salad.
It
is a combination of a package of Jell-O, fruit, colored marshmallows,
cream cheese, cottage cheese, and, in more severe cases, meat and
vegetables. It should only be used as a Bat signal to summon all the
1950s housewives in Gotham City. If not needed for that purpose, take it
far away from your house, bury it, and sprinkle the ground with holy
water.
Dear Russians: I hope this has been a helpful field guide through the weird and wonderful world of bizarre American foods. Contact Buzzfeed to share your own videos and don’t forget to mention that you live in a Stalinist dictatorship devoid of Velveeta! The horror!
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