5 Satanic Crime Fighting Tips (A Real Police Training Video)
If you were to ask most law enforcement professionals what the
biggest problem is in the world today, I am absolutely certain that they
would give you the same two answers: knife culture and Satanic cults.
It's true, too. I can't tell you how many times I've had my day ruined
by the hordes of machete-wielding Devil-worshippers that are stalking
our streets in unavoidable millions, and if you're like me you're always
looking for tips on how you can help prevent Satan crimes.
Fortunately, as with all things, we can find the answer on VHS. In this case, it's a police training video from 1994 called The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults, and trust me, it is amazing.
The whole video is available on YouTube, but since the worship of the
Devil and his unholy legion of crooks are an extremely pressing concern
for all of us, I've gone through to find five crucial tips for dealing
with Satanic cult crime.
#5. Dress Comfortably
The first thing you'll notice about our host, cop/pastor Gordon L.
Coulter -- a dude who has almost certainly written an unpublished
manuscript called PastorCop: One Man's Holy Battle Against Satanic Crime
-- is that he has armored himself for the fight against the Devil with a
variety of comfy sweaters. It makes sense; if there's one thing we know
about Satan, it's that he prefers the evil done in his name to happen
on chilly days. Is that a cold wind you feel, or is it the icy breath of
Lucifer himself? Neither, if you're wearing a sweater that has been
prayed over by the forces of Christian Law. Please note that drinking
hot cocoa made from Holy Water is optional but encouraged.
"Satan hates those little marshmallows."
If your Anti-Devil sweater proves to be too bulky for the
action-packed world of cult-fighting, more advanced God Warriors can
upgrade to a windbreaker that has a collar that looks like the opening
credits of In Living Color.
"Mustaches are also helpful in trapping Satan's words from ever escaping your lips."
#4. Know the Warning Signs
You might think that 1994 is a little late for someone to be this
worried about Devil crimes, especially given that the Satanic Panic of
the late '80s had been pretty thoroughly debunked for everyone who was
not actually drawing Jack Chick comics,
yet Reverend Officer Coulter remains undeterred. He launches
immediately into breaking down the signs of Satanic activity in your
community, like grave-robbing, human sacrifice, and video games.
Of course, Coulter is sure to note that video games are more the tool
of the dabbler in Satanic cults than the hardcore grave-robber, but I
think we've all suspected that the Super Nintendo was in fact
Beelzebub's greatest weapon in the war against Christ. There may,
however, be more subtle signs, too, like, say, 666 and inverted crosses
spray-painted on trees, as we learn when Eric Pryor, a mulleted
Christian who used to be involved with Satan, takes us to the park to
look for signs of Devil worship and animal sacrifice. As he tells us,
"There's two different communities that use this park. One is the pagan,
or occultic, community, and the other, of course, is the homosexual
community. Interestingly enough, they go hand-in-hand."
"Gaygans, if you will."
Amazingly, Pryor is able to discover multiple markings left by recent
Satanic rituals in just one walk through the park. Markings that, oddly
enough, all appear to have been sprayed from the same can of white
spray paint, which coincidentally shows up very well on film, and which
is fresh enough to smear when he touches it! It's almost like the
crew shooting the video went down there to plant a bunch of different
Satanic symbols for Pryor to tell us about, but let's be real here: it's
way more likely that the crew of The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults just missed eight or nine simultaneous Black Masses by 15 minutes.
#3. Stay the Hell out of That Park
Don't get me wrong, a citywide commitment to diversity is admirable,
but I'd really question the practice of building a park just for the
occult and homosexual communities. Probably best to just stay out of it.
Unless you're gay or into Satan, I mean. If that's the case, go nuts,
bring a picnic and a Frisbee. Really make a day of it.
"Hopscotch, for the kids!"
#2. Learn the Rituals
Now that you're familiar with the ritual sites that are scattered
throughout literally every seemingly God-fearing park in America, it's
time to learn about exactly what they do there, but be warned: these 100 percent real and extremely common crimes may chill you to your very soul!
First, of course, is the initiation and its promise to sacrifice
children to the Devil, which explains why you can't go more than five or
six minutes without hearing about another kid who was sacrificed to the
Devil by some impressionable teen. Were they just smoking LSD ... or is
there a more sinister force at work?
After that, they move on to the natural next step: black market bone sales.
Forget about a paper route -- the most profitable after-school job
for kids these days is grave-robbing and dealing skulls to Satanists
craving a ritualistic fix. Be on guard if you hear your teen talking about "getting a boner," as that could indicate a shipment of smuggled femurs has arrived!
Another sure sign that your kids have fallen in with the Author of
All Lies: they believe that the head is the most important part of the
body.
"For everyone's safety, no brains were used in the production of this video."
If you notice your child indicating that anything other than the
righteous fist is a crucial part of their anatomy, contact a pastor, a
cop, or -- preferably -- a PastorCop immediately.
Incidentally, over the course of this video, no fewer than two law enforcement professionals say that grave robbery is the No. 1 crime
that you're going to end up dealing with when it comes to Satanic
cults, and while we have no reason to not believe anything this video
presents as fact, I have to say I'm surprised by this. I mean, I like to
think I keep up with the news pretty well, and I hear about only six or
seven grave-robberies in my neighborhood every year, at most.
#1. Get a Sexy Bikini Model to Lie on Your Bed and Pretend to Be the Victim of a Satanic Murder
Obviously, all the VHS tapes in the world are no substitute for
practical training. Now, you could go down to the local park and find a
sacrificial victim from one of the dozens of rituals that occur in every
public space every night, but it's always a good idea to get some
experience before you head out into the field. Obviously, you need a
sexy bikini girl.
Make sure that you have the proper environment for an investigation:
soft lighting, diaphanous curtains, a few Roman columns for atmosphere.
Make sure to take extra care as you draw the pentagram across her taut
stomach, imagining the kind of sinful, sensuous desires that would drive
someone to embrace a life of hedonism in the name of Satan, and making
sure to note, as PastorCop Coulter does, that sometimes, "a penis is
placed inside the mouth."
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Don't worry -- it's totally normal and necessary, for the triumph of good over evil.
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